As a teacher, there’s no such thing as a normal day. Over the course of a school day, students (no matter how old) will do and say some pretty wild and unexpected things. Therefore, you inevitably find yourself stringing together sentences you would have never guessed would come out of your mouth. Like ever. Read on for these funny examples of things you say as a teacher. And before you ask—yes, these are all 100 percent real!

1. “If you have wasps in your pocket, take them out now.”

Face Palm

He did, in fact, have wasps in his pocket. They were alive.


2. “Please don’t bite me.”

Biting meme Leonardo Dicaprio

Lori B. says this was met with, “Oh, I wasn’t going to bite you. I just wanted to lick you.’”

3. “Who is snorting like a pig?”

Close up of pig showing teeth

It’s certainly true that teachers end up having to investigate mysterious animal noises being made by humans more often than the average person does.

4. “Don’t microwave the baby.”

Pushing microwave button

Giving kids time for free play is good, but it’s still good to encourage good behavior.

5. “Don’t touch his Woody without his permission.”

Woody in Toy Story

Chris W. said this after a student tried to take a classmate’s Toy Story toy.

6. “You can have your cremated snake back at the end of the day.”

"Not today" Dwayne the Rock

Sometimes you just have to remove the distraction from the equation.

7. “Why do you have your grandma’s false teeth?”

Why? Back to the future

And we want to know: Does grandma know about this?

8. “We don’t poke the door with our penis.”

No, no, no Beyonce singing

Sometimes direct is best.

9. “Please don’t use your tongue to touch the button on the Smartboard.”

Cat with tongue out

This is never a good idea.

10. “Glue sticks are not chapstick.”

Putting on Chaptick

This quote comes from Chrissy R., who teaches 8th grade. Yup, I said 8TH GRADE.

11. “Why do you have fried chicken in your pocket?”

What Jennifer Lopez

This takes snacking to a new level.

12. “Why do you have a baby bird in your backpack?”

David Schitt's Creek confused

It was alive. But it sure didn’t belong at school.

13. “We can’t chew gum that we find on the bathroom floor.”

Baseball playing blowing bubble with gum

I mean, we can—but we shouldn’t.

14. “We don’t drink hand sanitizer.”

Ew Emma Stone

This was said to a junior in high school.

15. “Thanks for inviting me to the kegger, but I’m a teacher.”

No thank you, hands up

Amy S. was 21 and teaching at a large high school when she got invited to a keg party.

16. “No, I do not want to see your scientist underwear.”

No thank you please the office

The teacher did add, “I’m sure it’s super cool, though.”

17. “Stop barking!”

Brittany Spears holding her ears

I’m betting there was no dog in this classroom.

18. “Please don’t tell me my soul belongs to you.”

Oh no, covering mouth with hand up

Too much sci-fi for this student.

19. “Um, that’s not a balloon. That’s a condom.”

Yikes with sunglasses down his nose

Brenda M. says her student had taken a condom from his mom’s drawer and then blew it up at school.

20. “Did you just put a banana in my coffee?”

I see you from Superstore show

The answer was yes.

21. “Please don’t put pipe cleaners in your nose.”

wagging finger Kim's Convenience show

Kathy V. tells us she had to give this reminder to her sixth graders. She also had to add, “Don’t put them in your friends’ noses either.”

22. “Turn off your shoes!”

WWE woman with light up shoes

Yes, those light-up shoes can be turned off with a button.

23. “Get your eraser out of your belly button!”

Gordon Ramsey Face Palm

To be clear, Gretchen M. said she actually said, “Get your borrador out of your ombligo!” She was talking to a third-grade Spanish class.

24. “Take your finger out of the hole in your desk. It’s going to get stuck again.”

"You have to stop doing that" Friends

This teacher tells us this is something she had to say to a senior.

25. “Why did you lick her fingers?”

Stich licking window

Why do they lick EVERYTHING? No one is safe.

26. “We keep our eyes open when we’re walking.”

I can open your eyes Aladin

This is one that Debra M. overheard a colleague say to first graders. She was trying to keep them safe!

27. “Don’t touch my tummy. I don’t touch your tummy.”

Don't touch me Schitt's Creek

Kathy D. says this is something she has to say to her first graders—on a regular basis.

28. “Do NOT lick urinals!”

Gross Debby Ryan

Just the thought of it made you crinkle your nose, didn’t it?

29. “No, you can’t pick up the poop with your hands OR with a stick.”

"I'm Alex Russo and my hobby is I like to poke things with a stick."

It’s a no either way.

30. “Even if your hands don’t smell like pee,  you still need to wash them.”

Washing hands "germs are everywhere"

You’re not a teacher unless you’ve said something like this.

31. “Put your eyeball back in your head and quit scaring the girls with it.”

Ew Michelle Obama

Susan W. said this to a student who had a fake eye.

32. “Stop snorting Altoids up your nose!”

whoa Jim Carey

This was a new one, even for Dinah F., who teaches eighth grade math.

33. “Where are your pants?!”

Pull your pants up

Julianne M. had to ask a freshman in high school this!

34. “How did he pee on your head?”

Obama hands up confused

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

35. “Honey, are you sure you want to name your unicorn horny?”

kids unicorn

It seems like a logical name.

36. “You are NOT allowed to take off your shoe and bite your toenails in this classroom.”

"and like, why? And like, don't"


37. “If you’re thirsty, please go drink out of the water fountain instead of that puddle.”

Jumping into a puddle

You are not a puppy!

38. “When we get angry, we don’t take our pants off.”

Don't do that

There are other ways of dealing with anger.

39. “Don’t lick your armpit! We have already discussed this!”

"Knock it off!"

This was something Donna T. said to a nine-year-old boy when he was wearing a sleeveless shirt.

40. “Metal forks do not go in electrical sockets.”

Homer Simpson electric shock in field

I really hope this student listened.

41. “Please stop licking the carpet.”

Please don't

We’ll say they’re still adjusting to being in the classroom.

42. “Do not drink your watercolor water.”

Tastes great

After the third time, the student’s mom had to be called about this one.

43. “No, you cannot try on each other’s contact lenses.”

Touching eyeball "that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen"

Middle schoolers…

44. “If you clog the toilet, do not push it down with your hands.”

Kris Jenner spraying lysol

Here’s an entire bottle of hand sanitizer and some Lysol for you.

45. “We aren’t practicing turkey calling during math class.”

Where's that turkey from Friends

Let’s save that for at home.

46. “Stop turning your eyelids inside out.”

eyelids inside out

It’s scaring your classmates.

47. “Even if it is your spare pair, get that underwear off your head.”

Steve Martin holding up underwear

Dirty or clean, we don’t need to see it.

48. “Don’t stick the candy you had in your mouth on the window!”

man licking window

That’s a sticky clean up.

49. “Please don’t touch your food with your feet.”

you nasty

I don’t want to smell your feet either.

50. “Only cats need to lick themselves. You do not.”

Keep your tongues in your mouths, please.

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Plus, check out other things you say as a teacher with these substitute teacher memes.

50 Things You Never Thought You’d Say Until You Became a Teacher